Date!

Marcia is a dear friend of mine. For ten years now, she and her partner have had an open relationship. She registered with a dating site specifically for people who were already involved in an intimate relationship. And she enjoyed the attention of men ranging in age from twenty-two to sixty-two years old. Most of them were looking for a secretive relationship; to Marcia this was of no interest at all. One man after another was rejected. After five weeks, with five hopefuls a day, she was ready to throw in the towel and considered cancelling her subscription to the service. But something stopped her.

That’s when she received a message from Lambert313. His profile sparked something: It read: fair player, highly educated, spiritual, serious discourse… and also one little line: “I am honest Abe (except for this unfaithfulness)”. She often saw the profiles of men who considered themselves completely on the level, yet who required that a girlfriend be able to keep a secret, better still, that she have a secret love nest. Apparently, these men regarded deceit about a second relationship as such a matter of course, that they considered themselves to be totally honest.

Lambert313’s profile matched her wish list to a tee. Oops, now what!?

An email exchange ensued and pretty soon, they realized they were alike in many ways. After two days, they decided to meet. Marcia realized, situations are never static. Nevertheless, she was cautious: “You intrigue me and I’d like to meet you, but I’m afraid that in a secretive relationship, your space for me will be too small and too paltry. I’ve outgrown that.” It got Lambert thinking. With his wife Inge, he had often discussed the fact that in some areas, their needs were different. She had on occasion ended those discussions with the off-hand remark: “Then take a lover! Just don’t tell me about it.”

Sometimes in life, things just fall into place. The Swiss psychiatrist Jung coined a word for it: synchronicity. The evening before Marcia and Lambert were due to meet, Inge asked, out of the blue: “Have you ever been unfaithful to me?” “Uh, no”, Lambert started to say, but then he realized this was the time to be truthful and he corrected himself by saying: “Yes, once. But I have discovered that I don’t want to be unfaithful.” In their talk, which ran into the early hours of the morning, Lambert explained that he longed for a second lover with Inge’s knowing and with her approval. It was an emotional talk, but it felt good. There was openness between them. That night, dividing walls were torn down. The heart-to-heart was concluded with passionate love-making.

And before even their first meeting, Marcia received Lambert’s email. She was quite impressed: “What pro-activeness, how fast-paced, such chutzpah… what a man! His life has room for a second lover!”

From the very first moment, there was tremendous understanding between them. Everything felt so right, just like coming home. Marcia and Lambert exchanged their first kiss within the hour.

Returning home, Lambert told his wife about a woman, Marcia, whom he had just “happened to meet” that day. And the conversation continued. Inge asked, “What would you say if I reconnected with someone with whom I used to have really a good rapport, long ago?” Lambert replied, “Well, … fine. I guess, it would be a reasonable part of the deal.” Another long night of talking followed. Slowly but surely, the truth came out. His “one-time cheating” had actually been a two-year secret affair. Her “person from long ago” turned out to be an ongoing intimate relationship of 10 years’ duration. Eventually, Lambert fessed up that he had met Marcia through a dating site. Because they were both cheating, they had stopped communicating about “what really mattered”. They had become emotional strangers to each other. Bit by bit, they disposed of the mess that had piled up between them over years. They felt safe enough to reveal more and more of themselves. And love began to pour forth in a way they’d never experienced before.

Meanwhile, some time has passed. Lambert enjoys, in his words, his “two new relationships”. And love is still flowing as never before. Their children sense the change in atmosphere and their happiness radiates. Lambert and Inge have felt the power of truth. Whatever the future may bring, one thing Lambert knows for sure: “Never, ever, to return to that closed, traditional family, where unfulfilled needs and desires cannot be discussed or met”.